10 Ways to Feel More Heard

There's often a sense of relief that washes over your body when you feel heard and understood. Or maybe it feels energizing, and you find yourself talking further and faster and coming to new realizations. Listening and being listened to is one of the most connective things we can do with another human.

But there are a lot of ways another person can respond to you that don't lead to that feeling. They could problem solve too early ("have you tried..."), they could minimize ("it's not that bad"), dismiss ("its not like that!"), one-up you ("well when I..."), or just have a flat or uncurious response.

Most of the time, people aren't responding in these less-than-ideal ways to hurt us. Good listening is a skill, and one that many folks don't have the privilege of learning.

Instead of telling the other person how they could listen better (even if you might be right), see if you can't find some ways to improve what you're doing.

Here are active steps you can take to help yourself feel heard:

1. Have good timing

This one is obvious, but its also the foundation of a good conversation. Wait until you have a stretch of time together when neither of you is distracted.

2. Ask for consent

Don't launch into what you need to say without making sure the other person is mentally available. They may be with you and seem undistracted, but you never know for sure unless you ask.

4. Ask for specifically what you want

Help them help you by letting them know what you want most.

"Can I vent?"

"I'm trying to work something out, will you listen to me and ask me some curious questions?"

"I'm feeling some hard feelings, can I share them and will you be kind and understanding about them?"

"Can I ask for advice?"

5. Ask for a summary

"Can you tell me what you think I'm saying?" When you ask folks to reflect back what they're hearing, it ensures they're picking up what you're putting down.

VARISTY LEVEL

If feeling heard in causal conversation is the JV team, then talking to your partner about your partner (or your mom about your mom, etc) is varsity level. It takes a lot of skill to hear what someone is sharing about you without letting your own stuff get in the way.

Likewise, it takes a lot of skill to share what you're feeling about another person in a way that they can really take in. Here are some more action steps you can take:

6. Make sure you know exactly what you need to say

If you're at the venting stage (you need to say a bunch of stuff that you're not sure you mean in order to come to a conclusion about what you do mean) then you are not ready to come to the person you are venting about.

Don't force your partner to fill the role a friend, therapist, or journal could better fill.

7. Turn your complaint into a request

Once you've figured out the thing you need to say most, try out flipping it to a request. Rather than "You've been too busy for me lately," try "It seems like we have had less time together recently and I am missing you! I want to spend some with with you."

8. Get to the most vulnerable level

Why does this thing that you want to share matter? It is likely because you long to be close, connected and safe with them. You're not sharing because you hate them, but because you love them. Make sure they know it.

9. Know what you want next

Do you just want them to understand what you're thinking and feeling? Do you want to make a plan with them to change something? Do you need some accountability or an apology?

Come prepared by knowing what will help you move on.

10. Walk the walk

Finally, if you're asking for good listening, be a good listener. When the tables are turned, bring your A game. It will model good skills for your loved one, and build mutual trust.

What is the hardest step for you? Let me know in the comments!