Mismatched Libidos- Relationship Death Sentence?
It sure can feel like it. When you and your significant other have been locked in a pattern of push and pull for months or even years, where one of you is wanting more sex than the other all the time, it can be tempting call it quits.
No matter whether you’re the partner who goes to bed feeling lonely and horny every night, or the partner that goes to bed feeling guilty and annoyed every night, this issue sucks (or rather... it doesn’t suck... as much as one of you wants).
But before you DTMFA, make sure you’ve tried these practical tips for mismatched libidos:
1. Know you’re not alone
Most couples are mismatched in one or more ways. Imagine all the variables that have to come together to equal your perfect sexual match... and then you’re expecting all these variables to stay constant over the course of a long term relationship? It doesn’t change the issue to know you’re not alone- but it does help to normalize it.
2. Don’t pathologize
Sexual desire comes in a wide range of normal. Wanting sex daily can be just as normal as wanting sex never (although these two would almost certainly run into issues being partnered). It's not helpful to think of yourself (or your partner!) as defective or broken for being the way you are.
3. Amend the approach
I had a hetero client couple recently come to me about mismatched libidos. When we explored their lead up to sexual connection, they told me that the higher libido partner (the woman) usually tried to initiate sex by asking “wanna do it?” This too-forward sex proposal wasn’t working for her partner. They were able to make headway in improving their sex life by working on a more gentle approach.
4. Take sex off the table for a bit
Just don’t do it. When sex is an elephant in the room, any kind of physical connection between partners can feel loaded with pressure. Cuddling can feel like manipulation, kissing can feel like a desperate consolation prize. Take sex off the table for a month. And maybe...
5. Schedule sex
Combine the strategy above with this some scheduled sex for extra oomph. It may sound counter-intuitive but scheduled sex can actually take the pressure off of your day to day interactions and allow some playful tension to build. Make sure to also schedule something that makes you both feel good that day- visit a hot tub, a burlesque show or strip club (make sure to tip!), smoke a little ganja, or drink a bit of wine. Figure out what makes you both feel sexy and do that together.
6. Expand your definition of sex
If you’re operating from a mindset where only penetrative sex “counts” as sex, or where orgasm is always the end goal, you are robbing yourself of other meaningful ways to connect. Try mutual mastubation (partners can either masturbate each other or themselves while lying together), or see if the lower libido partner is willing to kiss and stroke the higher libido partner while they masturabate. Roll around and play without always letting it lead to penetration!
7. Ask yourself what sex with your partner means to you
Is sex just about sex? Or are you searching for connection, reassurance that your partner still loves you, or validation that you’re wanted? It's okay for sex to come along with other needs- but see if it's possible to tease any of those out and get them fulfilled in other ways. Another realization I’ve seen a couple have in session is that, for the higher libido partner, sex was about needing to feel secure in the relationship. Once they looked at all the other ways they felt loved and committed to, having sex that often felt less urgent.
8. Explore nonmonogamy
If this suggestion makes your heart drop into the pit of your stomach, go ahead and just pretend you didn’t find it on this list. If it doesn’t, and you’re interested, please do lots of research and communication beforehand. This isn’t a quick or easy fix- but it can be a great one.
9. Go to couples therapy
Some issues are best tackled with a neutral third party in the room. Sex in relationships can be a complex topic with a lot of nuance. It can be uncomfortable to talk about your sex life at first, but take your time and your comfort will increase as you go. Plus, therapy won’t always be focused on sex- you’ll get a chance to work through some of the other things that arise in relationships.
10. Know it's okay to let go too
Mismatched libidos can and do cause breakups. It is okay to prioritize sex and sexual connection in your life and in your relationships. If what you’re doing isn’t working for you, you are allowed to make changes. Even big and scary changes, like breaking up or divorcing.
Got anything to add? Drop it in the comments below.