Pick Guilt, Avoid Resentment

Are you surprised to learn that guilt can be a sign that you're doing the right thing?

If you've got a choice between doing something you don't want to do, and disappointing a loved one by saying no, you've got a choice between two shitty things. There is no great choice. You can say yes, and feel resentful about it. You can say no, and feel guilty about it. 

The best choice for the long term health of your relationship is to say no and feel guilty. 

Resentment is relational cancer. Saying yes when you want to say no can work for a time- but not forever. Your resentment bill will come due in the form of contempt for your loved one. 

I often work with couples where one partner has built resentment because of saying yes to sex when they would really rather say no. But there are plenty of other ways this dynamic can build- saying yes to social events when you'd rather recharge, agreeing to non-monogamy when its not what your heart wants, eating vegan at home all the time when you love chicken, spending money on a trip instead of on your house, etc, etc, etc. These 'yeses' can be big or small, implicit or explicit. The more of them there are, the more likely you are to resent your partner.

This isn't to say you should never agree to do something you feel lukewarm about. This "pick guilt" rule applies to big choices (like moving to a commune) or frequent choices (like being your partners +1 to every baseball game of the season when you hate baseball). We all make small sacrifices to keep our relationships healthy, and that's okay. 

If you're facing a choice, pick guilt. Its actually the better choice for the long term health of your relationship.