You Can't Cure Your Kink, Part 2
I am using kink here to mean "a narrow sexual interest that you come back to more often than not," which could include fetishes (like feet), sex acts (like anal), types of people (like body size or shape), or types of sexual situations (like exhibitionism or humiliation).
Last post, we reviewed two of the most common places people go when they have a kink that they're struggling with. They search for the answer to "why" they're kinky, and they search for a cure- a way to give up what turns them on. Neither work.
If you can't cure your kink, and searching for the answer to why do I like this isn't effective, what can you do when your kink is bringing you pain?
Lots!
Here are 5 steps you can take- alone or with a therapist- to feel better about your sexuality:
ACCEPT AND GRIEVE
For whatever reason, whatever roll of the cosmic dice that transpired... this is the sexuality you ended up with. It might be inconvenient, it might cut out many potential sex partners, it even might be impossible to realize anywhere other than your imagination. Whatever your difficulties with your kink are- it makes sense to feel anger, jealousy, disgust, or grief as a result. Accept the reality of what is, and work through whatever feelings come up through the process.
REDUCE SHAME
Shame creates a push-pull dynamic that can actually deepen the draw towards your kink. In your non-erotic time you're busy controlling yourself or avoiding what you like. Then when you finally give in, it feels SO GOOD. What if you didn't build up this resistance and avoidance? What if you felt relatively neutral about you kink? What a relief.
Reducing our shame also protects us in other ways, Many kinky folks have had the experience of revealing their niche interest to a potential lover and getting... a disgust reaction. If you feel deep shame about your kink and someone dear to you reacts this way, it's like getting a kick in an already-bruised spot. But if you've done the work to overcome your own shame, another persons reaction may still sting, but you'll easily recognize it for what it is- their stuff. Not yours.
CONNECT WITH OTHERS
The kink community is, by and large, delightful. A lot of people have done a lot of work to educate themselves and others on how to play with kink in safe, consensual, and sexy ways. They organize massive events and small events, they write books, give workshops, share podcasts... and they're likely to be happy to have you partake.
Even if you never find a kink community that you fit into, telling trusted loved ones about your struggles is an excellent way to alleviate shame and increase feelings of acceptance. Find your people!
EXPAND YOUR EROTIC INTERESTS
While shedding a kink through sheer force of will is impossible, sometimes when you stop fighting your kink and roll with it, you may notice that it doesn't have as strong of a pull on you. You may even start to see other erotic scenarios that pique your interest. Maybe a partner introduces you to something they love, or you see a porn that you didn't know you'd be into. Once you stop spending your energy fighting yourself, you might be surprised at what else you're into!
CELEBRATE
While some folks may feel grief at ending up with an erotic profile that isn't simple to express, others see it as an opportunity to live a rich erotic life. What can you celebrate about being kinky?
These five steps are not chronological, they can overlap, and not everyone needs to go through all of them.